Happy 16th Anniversary
Dear Hubby,
I’m writing you this to let you know how much I love you. Over the last 16 years, you have been there for me when everyone else left me to die. You have been my rock. You keep me grounded. And above all, you are my best friend.
When I first laid eyes on you in high school, I never dreamed my life would turn out the way it has. I never imagined having someone in my life that loves me unconditionally and cares about me.
I could not have picked a better partner to be with for the rest of my life. You complete me. We are like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, we just go well together.
Over the last few months, I was on my way to losing myself. You never once quit on me. Instead you gave me courage to take baby steps. You were there holding my hand when I wanted to run away. You took over the daily housework, shopping and tending to the girls when I couldn’t. You gently patted me on the back and told me job well done if I managed to go into a store. You take me as I am. You accepted the crazy in me. You embraced the stubborn side of me. You wiped away the tears and comforted me. And you coddled the frightened side of me.
I have always said that without you, I am nothing. These last 16 years have been the best years of my life. I look forward to the rest of our lives together. Honey, I love you with every ounce of being I have in me. Happy Anniversary. Here’s looking to the next 16 (well many more) years together with you.
With all my love,
Your Crazy Wife
Better to give than to receive
Yesterday my girls made me so proud. I have always tried to teach them that it’s always better to give than to receive. I do believe it finally sunk in.
My girls caught wind that their cousins (older) did not get anything from their parents for Christmas. They are young adults and understand the financial crunch their parents are in. But it really bothered the girls. So yesterday after our family dinner, they wanted to go to Walgreens since they were open. So we took off. We had no clue what they were going to do. Both my older girls got money for Christmas.
Anyways, they walk in, look around a bit and come back out to the truck with me. They had bought both of their cousins a little perfume pack and both of the babies a small toy. And they bought their little sister come Club Penguin collector cards. I was brought to tears yesterday.
They insisted we rush back home so they could play Santa. Both of their cousins really loved that the girls thought of them. I was so proud of them for putting someone else first.
I always struggle with the holidays, but I have to say, my girls made this year the best Christmas just by showing acts of kindness on their own.
I made it to 34.. woo hoo
I turned 34 on Saturday. Big whoop. I was mostly in a drug induced stupor thanks to the Dr. Life passed me by that day. And I’m okay with it. There has been a few times in my life where I never thought I would make it to the age of 34. That’s what happens to traumatized people.
I have a few reviews that are long over due. I just haven’t been well. My mind, body and soul is literally exhausted. I really want to be well again. My Dr even suggested therapy. But there’s no one brave enough in the area to tackle my problems. Can’t say that I blame them. No seriously, they are booked up. Apparently there’s a lot of folks in need of a friend that charges insane amounts of money just to nod their heads.
Believe it or not, I want therapy. I want help to get beyond my past. I want to learn to live for myself. I want to learn to laugh again (with or without meds, though the meds make me funnier). LOL.
After hearing all my issues, I told the Dr on Thursday that I just wanted to be better and be myself again. She said point blank that she wasn’t a miracle worker. I have to agree with her. It’s going to take one hell of a team to fix all the cracks I carry with me.
The Dr changed my meds.. again. This time it’s a cocktail of 6 meds. Plus some time (when I get up off my ass and do it) I have to go to the hospital to have blood drawn so they can test it for everything under the sun. Then I go over to X-ray for a photo op of my lower back and knees. That should be fun. I may have to take a double dose of ativan. LOL.
Well, I reckon that’s all for now folks. I’m still around, just mostly in the bed these days. I will try to write more when I am able.
Dr’s visit number 2
Mental health, thyroid, RA, and osteoarthritis are some of the things that was discussed at the Dr’s office today (oh BTW if this starts to not make sense, I’m heavily medicated).
We got to the Dr’s office 10 minutes early. I walked in and the place was packed. So I left hubby to hold down the fort and wait for them to call my name. I walked outside thinking I could stand on the porch. Fudge that, it was cold so I headed to the truck. I look up and here he comes. Then this other guy comes out and says the Dr isnt’ in. So we sat in the truck for a while just talking and hubby decided to walk in and see how long it would be. Guess what. The Dr was in.
We mosey back in and I managed to sit there a whopping 15 minutes. Then the nausea hit me so I bolted back outside. I was there maybe 5 minutes when hubby came for me.
We get to the back and they weigh me. I lost almost 4 lbs in the last 4 weeks putting me at a whopping 124 pounds. I hope the wind doesn’t blow too hard. So we go back to the room and I start going into full panic mode. She comes in and starts talking and I freeze up. Thankfully hubby was there to be my translator.
After I started crying, I was able to talk to her and explain what was going on. She inquired about family history and I told her about my panic disorder and the problems I have with my body. She ordered a bunch of test including thyroid, RA and a whole boat load of other tests. She also wants some X-rays of my Lower spine and my knees. Then she proceeds to inform me that I desperately need to see a therapist.
As reluctant as I am, I agreed to the therapist. I left there with 6 new scripts and so far I think I have taken 4 of them as I was told to do.. but now I’m drunk as a skunk. But I will say this, I ain’t feeling no pain so I guess that’s a good sign.
Tomorrow I’m going to town to get the test done that I need. I’m hoping to hear back from them very soon. I really want to know what is wrong with me. I will keep you updated on my progress.. well that is barring I’m awake.
Thanks for all the support!!
I’m Shattered
Have you ever thrown a rock at a piece of glass just to watch it shatter? It shatters into a million pieces that can’t be put back together. There’s not enough glue nor duct tape to put the pieces back together. That is me.
I feel like I’m shattered and I don’t know why. Someone or something threw a rock at me and I can’t put the pieces back together. I wished I was like Humpty Dumpty. At least they put his broke ass back together.
The simplest things send me into a place I don’t want to be. Simple road trips send me panicking. Simple trips to the store watching the happy go lucky passerby’s send me crying and wanting to come home.
For the past 45 minutes, I have been crying. I don’t want this life, yet I can’t get past it. It seems more and more every day my fears are increasing. I don’t want to be a prisoner of my own self, yet I am. I can not get passed these intrepid fears that haunt me. I want to be normal again. Not shattered.
I see people that remind me of people from my past. A dark past. But I know these are not those people, yet I still run from them. I run from them like an idiot. I have nightmares of being hurt and tortured. Yet I’m safe in the comforts of my home. I have nightmares of people that I love and cherish dying because of me.
If I could make it all go away, I would. If I could put myself back together like Humpty Dumpty I would. But I can’t. I have tried.
I am shattered into a million of unfixable pieces.
Never Mind
So much to say, yet I sit here and stare at the blank canvas. Do I really want to write it, or just keep it locked away for another day?
Never mind.
My Dark Place
Somewhere there is a dark force sucking all of the energy out of me. My soul seems as dreary as the gray clouds overlooking the world. The thoughts are up there in my head, they just can’t make it out. They are stuck on a post it note and no matter how hard I try, I can’t force it to go from there to my finger tips.
My feet apparently hates the rest of my body. Friday I was walking down the hallway to give my husband a grocery list. I didn’t make it. Instead my legs turned to Jello and I hit the floor. That hurt. It hurt even more when I couldn’t get up and hubby and Jellybean dragged me to the couch.
Last night I was attempting to straighten up the house. Once again my feet rebelled against me and the kitchen rug slipped and caused me to fly in the air and land on my back. I feel like I have been in a car wreck from the last two days.
My stress levels are off the charts. Between Christmas, my mother and whatever else Karma the bitch throws at me, I’m about ready to explode. For the most part I try to just stay in the bed. I figure if I stay there the rest of the world will keep moving but my time will stand still (in some strange way). I want to cry to see if it will help. But alas the only thing I can seem to cry over are sappy commercials and television shows.
Life for me right now is so out of whack. Thankfully I go to the Dr on Thursday. I think we need to have a talk just her and I. Right now though, I think I will go to my comfort zone and try not to think about the outside world.
She lost it all in a flood
Today I was taking my mid morning nap when my hubby came and woke me up. He said it was my mother on the phone and she was crying. I jumped up and grabbed the phone and asked her what was wrong.
Last night the northern half of the state got torrential rainfall and the hardest hit area was where she lives. She told me they (her and her boyfriend) were asleep and he was woke up to water rushing the couch. They were so lucky they didn’t get electrocuted because they were both surrounded by extension cords and stuff like that in the water. They went outside and the vehicle was flooded as well so some time they called the rescue squad out to get them.
Today she went back and was devastated. She lost everything. She said her house is nothing but a mud pit. I asked her if she wanted me to come help her and she said no and that I couldn’t get up the driveway. My aunts house (next door) suffered major damage as well. The ravenous floods turned over my aunts huge double door fridge, tore the cabinets with the marble counters tops off and flipped her propane tank outside. Most of the porch furniture was scattered throughout the woods.
It broke my heart to hear my mother cry. Most of my step dads stuff was in the storage behind her house. It’s all gone. I’m pretty sure that family heirlooms such as my grandmother’s bible and photos are lost. Please keep my mother in your thoughts, prayers or whatever you do. She has no place to go and I can’t help her financially. Thank you!
A Triumphant Day for Hubby
Today has been a triumphant day in my household. First I hauled ass across the bridge and did not panic. I could have gotten a speeding ticket, but oh well. Secondly my husbands new contacts came in finally.
When the new Dr checked his vision, he was 20/70 in one eye and 20/50 in the other and at best both was 20/40. So today you can only imagine the response when he read 2 letters out of the 20/20 line. I can not tell you the joy I have felt all day. We came back and picked up the girls to take Jellybean out to celebrate her birthday. He drove back. FROM. TOWN. (big town). We just took a test run to the store to see how bad the glares and halos were from the car lights.. he said they are still there, but not as prominent as before.
The Dr was so elated he wanted to jump out of his chair. He said there’s no way hubby could read anything from the 20/20 and he proved him wrong. YAY!!
I was so emotional coming home I started to cry (bad thing to do while driving and driving in the rain). For almost 14 years I have seen him struggle and get so down. Today I seen a new man emerge. One full of confidence ready to face the world again. I am just tearing up just writing this. You have no idea how happy I am at this moment.
