Dear Hubby,
I’m writing you this to let you know how much I love you. Over the last 16 years, you have been there for me when everyone else left me to die. You have been my rock. You keep me grounded. And above all, you are my best friend.
When I first laid eyes on you in high school, I never dreamed my life would turn out the way it has. I never imagined having someone in my life that loves me unconditionally and cares about me.
I could not have picked a better partner to be with for the rest of my life. You complete me. We are like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, we just go well together.
Over the last few months, I was on my way to losing myself. You never once quit on me. Instead you gave me courage to take baby steps. You were there holding my hand when I wanted to run away. You took over the daily housework, shopping and tending to the girls when I couldn’t. You gently patted me on the back and told me job well done if I managed to go into a store. You take me as I am. You accepted the crazy in me. You embraced the stubborn side of me. You wiped away the tears and comforted me. And you coddled the frightened side of me.
I have always said that without you, I am nothing. These last 16 years have been the best years of my life. I look forward to the rest of our lives together. Honey, I love you with every ounce of being I have in me. Happy Anniversary. Here’s looking to the next 16 (well many more) years together with you.
With all my love,
Your Crazy Wife
I got this email from a friend and had to post it. It’s the funniest thing I have read in a long time. Enjoy!!
This will make you laugh so hard you may pee on yourself or just be crying so hard that you can barely finish reading it.
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a Pocket Taser for their anniversary
submitted this:Last weekend I saw something at Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie.
What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety….??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I’d get the blue arc of elect ricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. Th e directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5″ long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, “no possible way!”
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best…? I’m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, ” don’t do it Dipshit,” reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . .
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!
I’m pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to “mug” yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thras hing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?
SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone.; I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I’m still looking for my nuts and I’m offering a significant reward for their safe return!!
P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
Nick K.
I thought my blog could use a little humor around it for a change. Here lately I haven’t had anything really exciting or funny to post. It’s just the normal stuff about my bad back/neck or Shorty’s ongoing illness. So here’s the deal. Last Friday Shorty and I headed out for a grocery run. While we were at Walmart we decided to play the machines where you can win stuffed animals. We have became quite proficient in winning. Anyways, I wonder up to the machine and pop my only dollar in it. I had spotted this funny looking monkey and immediately thought of my hubby. I won it. I brought it home to him, but really didn’t pay much attention to it until tonight. The damn monkey looks like it has a boner. I swear I even have pictures to prove it. When I spotted the bulge below I started laughing and had to show hubby, but didn’t want the kids to hear. Anyways, here’s a few pictures of my hubby stuffed monkey.
From the front he looks so cute an so innocent
Is that an egg in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
Eat your heart out Ron Jeremy. LOL
Several years ago, I decided I wanted to grow a nice patch of buttercups (daffodils). I had never attempted to grow anything besides kids. I was a little leery of attempting it, so I convinced my mother to ride around with me on some of the back roads and “borrow” some. This way if I failed I wasn’t out any money.
We rode around for hours. I was looking for some double buttercups. Couldn’t find any, so I had to settle on the single ones. We finally hit the big time about a mile from my house. We were equipped with a 5 gallon bucket, some shovels and two eager little helpers (Jelly Bean and Wild Child). We get to digging thinking ,that since it’s on the side of the road in the middle of BFE we would be okay. Not so much.
First we had this local woman who loves to drink stop by and ask us if we had a phone on us. Yeah I carry a pay phone in my back seat, let me get that for ya. Then she wanted me to carry her to the local bootleggers house. Uh nope sorry I’m knee deep in buttercups. I eventually sent her on her merrily little way. Of course I’m already petrified that we were gonna get caught by the boozing babbling idiot and she was gonna give us up to the local officers. So every time a vehicle would approach us, I would crouch down and pretend to be invisible. I instructed my mother that if anyone came up, for her to do the talking.
Each time the coast was clear, I would emerge and get back to my little treasure hunt. Then out of no where, well it was somewhere, I was just trying to tame two little girls and steal some buttercups, comes a truck with an elderly gentleman in it.
Holy shit Batman, we have been spotted. I couldn’t dive into a ditch, I couldn’t run away in a callous getaway with two toddlers holding me down. I had to come out with my hands up, minus a heaping helping of buttercups. I look towards my mother and tell her to handle it. The man rolls up and asks us what are we doing. Momma goes into a song and dance about how we found these buttercups and we were helping ourselves to them. He informs us he’s the owner of the property. Oh fuck me running. We’re going to jail for theft of property. I can see it now in the headlines “Two adults and two toddlers arrested for theft of buttercups”.
My mother, who could sweet talk the sunglasses off a blind man, managed to strike an agreement with the fella. Really I have no idea what she said to him, for all I know we placed those dainty little flowers on a loved ones grave. But he told us to help ourselves. I came home to change myself.
For the most part I have pretty good kids. Well more so Shorty the six year old. But I know that in years it will change. You know, no more public loving for fear of embarrassment. Or the I hate yous because her shirt just doesn’t go with her pants and it’s all my fault. I’m prepared thankfully because of Jelly Bean and Wild Child. However I take my little moment when I can get them from the rambunctious six year old. She made me a card the other day. She done it all on her own which is great. But she really needs to work on putting her letters the correct way. Check it out:
I love it.. it says “I hope you get detter”. Now of course when I read that I thought, I hope you get deader. I laughed. It’s a simple mistake but nonetheless it’s still a very funny mistake. I love my physique. I’m slim and trim. I could swing the bald look too. You see she’s improved the artistic side in her. In this one, I look like an onion with eyes. But it’s the thought that counts.
I guess some of you may or may not have noticed my absence here lately. I’m in a funk. The weather is getting a little warmer each day and that tends to draw me outside. Saturday we spent the afternoon outside. Yesterday morning it was raining so I decided to just lounge around. We took the girls out to eat last night at a local Chinese restaurant. Once again I got a major laugh out of them.
When I was 15, I worked in a local seafood restaurant. I learned the ins and outs of eating crab legs and lobster. Last night, there was crab legs on the buffet bar. I got some and because the girls’ curiosity was piqued, they got some. They had no clue how to find the goodies on the inside. I showed them to use their hands and “crack” the shell, then to take their fork and run it along the seams. They were amazed that all they could get out was little pieces of the crab meat and I could pull out undisturbed chunks. Jelly Bean found the boiled shrimp and OMG I don’t think I have ever laughed so hard at one kid. The “legs” freaked her out and she couldn’t touch them.
I have been contemplating getting my VA’s (Virtual Assistant) certification. I really want to continue to work from home. Maybe I could get us a nice Branson condo to take a vacation in. But it’s going to take a while because I want to study hard so I don’t fail. Several of the places I looked at looked promising barring I can pass the test. But it’s not cheap. Thankfully my taxes come in later this week. I will be spending some of that to prepare for this journey.
Tonight I think I’m just going to chill out for a while and watch some tube with the family. We lead such an interesting lifestyle huh?
I’m cheap. Or should I say I’m very frugal with my money. I look for deals. I would also rather search for deals online instead of dragging my family to town. I can list you many reasons why why buy.com rocks. For example, free shipping on tons of items. Over the holidays I was screwed by having extra shipping charges tacked on. They also have so many different kinds of merchandise. From pet supplies to kitchen appliances they got it, plus more.
The kids and I put together a video tonight to show you many different ways that why buy.com rocks. Granted they didn’t see the final version, I may be officially not liked in the morning. LOL.
As you can see, Buy.com offers so many products, free shipping on most items and they offer all new customers get an exclusive $10 off their $10 order coupon valid on any purchase. You can watch videos of their top 10 selling items in a category. Or take a gander at the Deal of the Week with Howie Mandel. With their great prices you can’t go wrong with Buy.com.
Angry I tried to leave this in your comments but it doesn’t allow it so I left it here for you to get. Being that you are the Chick Magnet after all.
Last night Wild Child was cleaning out her school folder for school. I sat down with her and came across this paper she had to do for class. After reading it, I asked her if I could keep it. You see, Wild Child is the comedian of the family. The shit that comes out of this kids mouth is hysterical. She can take the most boring day and honestly bring a smile to anyone’s face. This assignment was due before Christmas, but I still have to share it with everyone.
Dear Santa,
How are you? I am weird. Do you remember me? I am the little couch who sat on your hand at the Broadway Dept. Store. I was wearing blue pants and a crazy shirt. You probably can remember me best by my funny nose, my black eyes , and my face that is completely covered with paper clips.
Santa, for Christmas, I would like and electric bear, a real “Tommy dog” gun, a transistor cow, and a new baby pillow. Santa, if you will bring me all these things, I promise to be a good little blanket and to always eat my hairless cat, and to always clean my pen.
Merry Christmas and A Happy New Minute.
Your Friend,
Her best friend (not naming the name)
All the words in Orange were fill in the blanks. And that’s what my child came up with. Of course, she got a good laugh out of the class and that was her goal. I’m telling you, one day this child will be a comedian somewhere and everyone will love her. Reminds me of the time she burped in a restaurant a couple of years ago and she had the most serious look on her face and told me the Elves made her do it. I tried to contain my laughter but couldn’t. It’s her mission in life to make people laugh.
Look Whose Talkin’