Growing up, I could never express myself face to face. It had to be written down. Either in the form of a short story or a poem. As I grew with so much anger and pain, I creatively put it down on paper. My 9th grade English teacher gave us a poetry assignment. She told me I had a talent for expressing myself. Little did she know that I was reaching out and if anyone got the message, no one admitted it. I wanted to be famous and create a whole new identity. I wanted to let this person die and be reborn into someone great. Someone with out the baggage. Someone with no cares in the world. That was when I was 13. No matter who you become you will always carry the scars with you. It’s how you choose to live your life is what is most important. I will live the rest of my life with no regrets. I am who I am. Plain and simple. I have learned from others fuck ups.

I wrote this in 1999 when I was going through a hard time. It just reflects my pain and my hurt.

My Eyes

You can look into my eyes
and you’ll see nothing.
Not a sunset or a sunrise.
Only darkness that fills my heart.

You can look into my eyes
and see the pain.
Of a love that has since died.
Only sadness fills my heart.

You can look into my eyes
and try to understand.
That when I cry,
only tears fills my heart.

You can look into my eyes
and you’ll see nothing.

~MBG~

This one was wrote when I found out my Step dad had cancer and it was read at his funeral.

No Tears

Shed not tears for me,
when my life has ended.
I came, I saw, I accomplished.
Just what was intended.

I leave with you a legacy.
And a name that stands true.
and many happy memories.
Of the way I saw life, through you.

I never once complained
about events in my life.
Sad but true, I’m glad it’s over.
No more pain, no more strife.

When I am no longer with you.
Remember these words I say to thee.
When you need me, look to the heavens.
And you will find me.

Celebrate my life.
And shed no tears for me.
Because I know deep in my heart,
this is the way it was meant to be.
~MBG~

Ok, there you have it, a small sample of what I do in my spare time. It’s not Edgar Allen Poe quality, but I’m not Edgar. LOL.

I am very fascinated with the weather. I always have. I remember (though the memory is beginning to fade) our first real snow. It was at the beginning of the 80’s, it was between 1982-1984 for sure. I had never seen so much snow in all my life. Granted to a little one an inch seems like a foot. But hell it was fun. Growing up in the south, snow is a very rare thing. Sure it might fall, but rarely sticks. We built snowmen and had snowball fights, it was a grand old time. I remember the neighbors house catching on fire and melting the snow as it was falling. Boy I was one pissed off little girl.

As I grew up, I had always heard the older folks talking about the Tornado Outbreak of 1974. The year before I was born. I had always been taught that when the sirens go off, to hide in the tub. Then in 1989, I will never forget when the big tornado that ripped through Huntsville came barreling over my childhood home. I had never seen such a sight. The sky was a greenish black color. The clouds were just tumbling one over the other. I was mesmerized. I was also scared shitless.

Now, I am such a weather geek. I belong to a weather forum and have to visit several times a day for my daily dose of weather pleasure. But I rarely talk because hell I am not qualified and don’t want to appear stupid. But I have learned so much and learned that knowledge is power. I was once a scared child and now, I understand ( or somewhat do) the way it works.

Now, there’s a big talk of snow here in the south. Hell the Fuck OH, who are we kidding. The only thing frozen that will fall from the sky is freakin’ ice. Which will knock out the power causing me to frantically try to pacify three non imaginative children with no power. Who are we kidding, that only last for so long before all hell breaks loose. This is the 21 Century and kids today can’t think without a gadget to do it for them. My kids are hoping and praying for snow. They want to take the 4 wheelers out for a joy ride. I personally despise the cold weather. But I will attempt to be a good sport and take advantage of rare thing here in the south. SNOW. Only for photo opts, and maybe the occasional snowball fight. Can’t be an old lady about it right?

That’s how I feel. Just blah. Just barely here today. I woke up the the butt crack of dawn this morning. I couldn’t breathe. Terrible sinus shit. Or the flu. I’m hoping for sinuses. I called and canceled a birthday party the kids was supposed to attend to. I just don’t feel like being in a social setting today. I just feel like crawling up in bed with the laptop and staying there. I would say forever, but the kids to have to be fed and stuff like that. LOL.

I have been bothered by this awful dream I had Friday. I laid back down Friday morning and had a dream that hubby was having an affair with this chick that he knows from some of the forums he goes to. That didn’t bother me. It was the fact that he told me he didn’t love me any more and that I was too crazy in the head for him. All this while he’s on the phone with this other chick. Then it got even stranger with a shitload of kids that had skipped school and ended up at my house. Wild Child was the ring leader but was too chicken to come home. Figures.

I woke up in a manic state. Sweating and on the verge of crying. I told hubby about my dream and of course he had the typical male response. He laughed. Then I guess he seen how much it was bothering me that He gave me a big hug and told me that he would always love me. And promised me that no matter how crazy I got, he would still love me the same if not a little more. Tell me I don’t have him wrapped around my finger..LOL He knows I am only kidding. But I don’t know why it bothered me so damn much. Hell it’s just a dream and I read their conversations so I know nothing is going on. Oh Well just another crazy dream to file away. So tell me how’s your Sunday going?

Happy Saturday everyone. I got a surprise this morning. My PR level is up to 4. That’s great!! I couldn’t be happier.

Oh thank Gawd it’s Friday.

It’s something about the weekends that make up for a long week. I am looking forward to picking up the kids in about an hour. My youngest less selfish daughter took her own money that she earned to school today. She wanted to buy me a rose. They opened the Valentine store at school and has been bugging me for a few days to do it. I hate that she is spending the money her Grandfather gave her for “working” so hard to help him on me. I even tried to talk her out of it with no success. I heart my Shorty.

I am also going to attend our first “dance” together in Febuary. I haven’t been able to attend any school functions that require me to leave her because she goes in to massive hissy fits wanting to know if I will check her out. So my school time has been very limited unless I know that she’s coming home with me. I think this will be good for us. However, the older two are kind of pissed because I am making them stay at home with their Daddy.

The older two haven’t been to their school dance in a while. The last dance we attended is when JellyBean started middle school and I almost got arrested for telling an unattended child not to call my house anymore. She had picked on JellyBean to the point she was crying. I couldn’t take it any more. But they are wanting to attend their Valentine’s Dance at school. I am debating on whether or not to let them attend. I am not for sure if I want to go. If I do, I will make damn sure not to chaperone so I will not be responsible for everyone else’s unruly kids. Well I must end this session, almost time to go get my lovely children.

~Sassy~

I truly believe that I will never belong. I will never fit in with the “in” crowd. Yes, I know I’m a 31 year old woman who lives vicariously through the internet, but I still yearn to fit in with everyone else.

I am not political much so there goes that. I don’t offer advice on parenting because no two people raise their kids the same. I often bitch and moan about events in my life. Though most days are pretty damn good I don’t blog much about those.

I am not ashamed to admit that I would love to see a bunch of comments on my blog every day. But for some reason I guess my life isn’t exciting enough for any comments. Oh Well. Life goes on. I will wake up in the morning and get the kids off for school and do my daily routine of making the rounds to check in on other bloggers to see how their lives are lead. I think I need to take a step back and re-invent myself and my blog. Maybe bring more life into it. God knows it sure as hell can’t hurt anything. Or maybe it could.

I guess I am a major acceptance whore. I tend to need to be shown acceptance among my peers. Bad habit I know, but some things are just too hard to let go.

I am like this with my family. I feel the need to make everyone like me and accept me. I guess this is why I subject myself to the demeaning life that I have. I am everyone’s Mrs. Fix it. If it’s broke then they call me. I fix things only to have an accomplishment under my belt. Another acceptance notch if you will. I like the attention I get when no one else can do something. The praise is like a drug. I swear I’m in need of desperate therapy. LOL.

Ok that was way too much rambling for my liking on to other things.

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Ok, so today I took hubby to see his lawyer. We are on an appeal for disability. My hubby is considered legally blind in one of his eyes and the other one isn’t in too good shape and is declining pretty rapidly. We have been going through this process now for over two years. Only to have a smart ass judge declare a no go in the judgement only based on the fact that one eye isn’t legally blind. How stupid. I am so pissed off tonight. I know my hubby doesn’t like me talking about this, but I have to get it off my chest. I do the driving, the cooking, and help him when his eyes don’t guide him like they should. I keep the house dark because light hurts him. I have to watch the man I love suffer every day of his life. A man whose pride had been outcasted by a condition that normally doesn’t effect one til they are in their 60’s.
It just pisses me off that even though he doesn’t look disabled, his eyesight and problems are an indication that there is problems. Every Eye Dr and specialist we have seen told him the same thing. NOTHING ELSE CAN BE DONE. I live in fear that one day he will be completely blind. It may never happen, but there’s always the chance. I fear that he will never get to see the kids graduate school, get married or even his grandkids. This is shit I think about almost daily.
I took a vow in sickness and in health. For richer or for poorer. Until death do us part. I have always and will always stand by his side. I will always be here for him when he needs me. I love that man with every ounce of being I have and always will.

Many congrats are in order for Jenn. She is a newly divorced woman who has rid her life of her asshat. I couldn’t be happier for her. Go on over to Jenn’s site and send her many congrats. The site is over here ———-> Click on the Upbeat Divorcee`

Omg, this week is just flying by. Well actually the I have been asleep for almost 2 weeks now. On and off. The Dr changed my medicine again and boy has it screwed me over. I stopped taking it and have seen more daylight hours yesterday and today than I have in a while.

From the WTF files. Did anyone catch the State of the Union address last night? I want some of what old Dubya is smoking. I think that man is on crack and I just plain don’t like him. Hell I didn’t put him back in office. And Hilary looked like she was eating up that camera time. She had this ‘ Yes, I’m in to win but have stiff competition ” smirk to her. I have been reading around some forums where they don’t want her to win. I have been doing a little research on Obama. I think he may be a very good candidate. From what I have seen he’s a very good people person. And has some very good issues to bring to the table. I guess I will just have to wait and see.

Other than that nothing really exciting has happened around here. Just the same old shit day after day. Let me know what’s going on in your world.