I am 32 years old. I have had demons chasing me around for all of my adult life. Things that I thought I had no control over. Nightmares, fears and so much emotion that it was bringing me down. Battles within myself that I have fought since I was 7-8 years old. I have fought my life. But why? Why am I fighting things I have no control over? Why am I fighting myself for something I didn’t do? For things that were done to me?
I was around 7-8 when I was molested. I don’t know how many times or every event. I have blocked it out of my mind. There are years that I have no recollection of at all. I guess the body has a way of protecting us. When I told my parents, my mother flipped out and my father was in denial. He looked me in the eye and told me it’s not nice to lie and not to lie about something this big. Then for years it was swept under the carpet. It was not to be discussed. Every holiday spent with the person who broke my spirit. Every birthday celebrated with the man who robbed me of my innocence.
When I got old enough to start remembering, I started to self mutilate my body. I became a cutter. I felt better cutting my arms or my legs. It temporarily took away the pain I felt in my heart. I attempted suicide many times. Washing the dishes would always bring on an opportunity. I would take an ice cube out of the freezer, numb my wrist up and go to town. I would chicken out. I also thought about my sisters and the effect it would have on them. So I turned to huffing and sniffing. That last until I was in my 20’s and I woke up and realized I was fucking my few brain cells up.
It wasn’t until I left home did I grasp the magnitude of what had happened. I was drunk one night with my mother (lovely huh) and she brought it up in front of a crowd. That started off a mother-daughter knock down drag out in an abandoned building. Of course she beat the shit out of me, but I didn’t go down without a fight. I was angry. I was hurt. I was embarrassed. I felt so dead at that moment.
Over the years I have struggled with life. Being happy has been unreachable. No matter how hard I have tried. I have always been able to fake it. I have came to terms with the molestation, that’s behind me. I was a child who was violated. I was a child who had no one to turn to. And that’s what I have struggled with the most over the years. Having a parent to not protect me. Having a parent to shrug something off like this. As a parent now, I would beat the shit out of someone who even thought of harming my girls. I would go to jail for my girls.
I do not have contact with my father. I have so much hurt and pain that I do not want him in my life. EVER. There will come a day when he pulls up in my front yard and I’m going to tell him what I think of him then tell him to leave.
This year I vow to be different. I do not want to live in the shadows anymore. I do not want to have to constantly look over my shoulders and wonder who is going to hurt me next. I will not be hurt any more. This is the year I move forward. This is the year that I discover myself and what makes me happy. Who makes me happy. I want to laugh and to watch sunsets and not have any ghost hiding over my shoulders. This is a promise to myself. It’s something that I know if I don’t resolve now, it will haunt me for the rest of my life and I will be damned if I live my next 32 years like this.
Help. My 14th anniversary is coming up and I want to do something special for my hubby. Because of the whole Shorty won’t stay at anyone’s house because she’s a Mommas girl, we can’t go overnight anywhere unless we bring the whole crew. No way. So I need some ideas that I can make our anniversary special. I have less than 3 weeks to prepare something nice.
I’m so backwards
I knew this would happen. It does every time the girls are out from school. I get my days and nights so screwed up. I’m more of a night person. After the girls go to bed its so peaceful around here. Then right as school starts back up I’m so messed up. I guess after tonight we will start going back to bed early. I have even let the girls slide on their bed times. Bad Mommy!!
I was sitting in the bathtub at 1 am shaving my legs. So I know that I’m seriously screwed up again.
I am tired of this cold weather. Yesterday was fairly nice and we got outside for a little bit. But tomorrow it’s supposed to be bone chilling cold and that means we will all have to stay in. I’m so ready for spring time.
Though I wished I was. Jelly Bean and I were watching Cesar Millan , you know the Dog Whisperer dude. You know that man is truly amazing with animals. We watched him earlier take a dog that was terrified of noise and made it where he was comfortable with thunder, rain and even fire works. I was amazed. So I got this bright idea to take the puppies (the two bulldog puppies we adopted back in August or September) and start their leash training. Tesa done really well on hers. She listened to basic commands like let’s go (walk), stop and I was in the process of teaching her to sit. Right now you still have to push her butt down. She will eventually get it. However Pebbles isn’t so bright. She will take a little more work. She’s the stubborn one of the two.
Training a dog is easy as long as you stay consistent with it. Cricket does a lot of little tricks but I have worked with her since I have had her. Her favorite trick is to retrieve her toy from my head. She will sit until I tell her to get it. Then she will take her two front paws and lay them on my hands to keep from scratching my face. It’s rather cute. Now if I could just train the girls, all would be well in my world. LOL
Last night was another chat session for hubby and I. In fact we stayed up until almost 3 this morning just talking. We were talking about so much stuff. It dawned on me last night that he has grown up so much from when we first started dating. He’s even starting to get a few gray hairs up in that mop of his. He used to drink and party all the time. Now we just sit at home alone. We actually prefer it this way. We don’t go riding around looking for trouble. He doesn’t go out looking for a car to race down the highway.. I do, he doesn’t. LOL
I will never forget one night he thought he was the shit. He had this Oldsmobile that would get up and go. We were coming down the road and there was a Corvette at the red light. Hubby got up beside him and started revving up the motor, trying to get a race going. Once the light turned green, the Corvette burned rubber and just left us. Well hubby wasn’t satisfied and took off after him. We caught up to the other driver at a red light. And it ensued once again. This went on for a good 5 miles. Both fools are lucky they didn’t crash, I’m pretty sure the Oldsmobile parts would have cost a whole heck of a lot cheaper than trying to replace Corvette accessories.
Even though I was scared to death in the passenger seat, it’s a memory I have. And just like so many of my memories, I’m glad they are just that, memories.
There’s two things I hate more than anything in this world. Liars and thieves. I was reading a forum that I frequent and came across this story. In this story a six year old entered a contest to win Hannah Montana tickets. She stated that her daddy had died in Iraq earlier this year.Turns out the little girl lied and it was all her mother’s doing. Here’s the story from CNN.com
GARLAND, Texas (AP) — An essay that won a 6-year-old girl four tickets to a Hannah Montana concert began with the powerful line: “My daddy died this year in Iraq.”
While gripping, it wasn’t true — and now the girl may lose her tickets after her mom acknowledged to contest organizers it was all a lie.
The sponsor of the contest was Club Libby Lu, a Chicago-based store that sells clothes, accessories and games intended for young girls.
The saga began Friday with company officials surprising the girl at a Club Libby Lu at a mall in suburban Garland, northeast of Dallas. The girl won a makeover that included a blonde Hannah Montana wig, as well as the grand prize: airfare for four to Albany, New York, and four tickets to the sold-out Hannah Montana concert on January 9.
The mother had told company officials that the girl’s father died April 17 in a roadside bombing in Iraq, company spokeswoman Robyn Caulfield said.
“We did the essay and that’s what we did to win,” Priscilla Ceballos, the mother, said in an interview with Dallas TV station KDFW. “We did whatever we could do to win.”
She had identified the soldier as Sgt. Jonathon Menjivar, but the Department of Defense has no record of anyone with that name dying in Iraq. Caulfield said the mother has admitted to the deception.
“We regret that the original intent of the contest, which was to make a little girl’s holiday extra special, has not been realized in the way we anticipated,” said Mary Drolet, the CEO of Club Libby Lu.
Drolet said the company is reviewing the matter, and is considering taking away the girl’s tickets
Now as a mother of a 6 year old, what kind of morals is this woman teaching her daughter? That it’s ok to lie about something to get what you want. And to say that her daddy died fighting in a war. OMG. I would love to slap the shit out of that woman. Seriously I would. And there shouldn’t be any consideration about taking the tickets away, they should yank them out of their hands so fast it makes their head spin.
This really gets under my skin.
There are very few shows on television today from my youth that my kids will actually sit and watch. I have tried to convince them to watch the Smurfs. They hated it. I have tried to introduce them to The Fonz and to shows like The Facts of Life. Nope, they didn’t like it. But being that they are total redneck kids, they love The Dukes of Hazzard. Now I loved this show growing up. I had the lunch box and a watch. I watched them every time they came on.
They are so obsessed, they have watched stuff on Youtube for hours on how they made certain scenes. Hubby was watching something last week about how the Dodge Charger accessories for the 1969 RT edition are hard to find. He was telling me that when the show was in production, they would scour junk yards across the country looking for junked out or wrecked Chargers. Hubby also said they was paying top dollar for any Chargers back then.
The General Lee would be my hubby’s favorite car of all time. There used to be a replica of it in town when we were kids. I remember that car like it was yesterday. I have my little obsessions, but I don’t think anything could come close to the hubby and kids obsession with The Dukes of Hazzard. Nothing.
I have no life. Today I sat and watched 5 hours of child stars and I love the 80’s 3D. The girls sat with me through most of it. They loved watching commercials from when I was growing up. My favorite was the TV shows from back in the day or the videos. I was in heaven sitting there watching stuff and reminiscing about teen idols and crazy movies.
It was actually about the only peace and quiet I have had around here. The girls have been a little rambunctious for the last two days. That’s when I know the novelty of the holidays has worn off of them. Well me too. Everything they got on Tuesday is just a memory and isn’t as exciting as it was when they got it. I have threatened them with a boot campmilitary relocation if they didn’t lose their attitudes. If that’s not an option, I may build a boxing ring for them. I bet that will make the news.
I haven’t been sleeping too well. I have been falling asleep on the couch and not waking up until around 3 to go crawl up in the bed. Plus I haven’t been staying on my decaf kick. I have been drinking at least one cup of Chocolate Truffle coffee at night. It’s so good though. Tonight I’m gonna down a cup of decaf, take a hot bath, put the kids to bed early and hopefully enjoy the peace and quiet for a little bit tonight before I hit the sack.
Over the last few days I have had a lot of time to think. I have been thinking about changes I want to make in my life. Last year, I started out by eliminating people from my life who used me. That felt very liberating and like a weight was lifted off of me. I have decided this year, to eliminate negativity from myself and my surroundings.
Growing up, we were always surrounded with negativity and it followed us (my sisters and I) into our adulthood. I never look at the positive side of things. Over Christmas I learned to count my blessings and I want to continue that into the New Year. I also want to step away from my past. I want to leave all of that behind me. Depression surrounds me every single day, but honestly I am making myself depressed by allowing that to follow me.
I want to make the most of every day. Every day is a gift and I often take that for granted. I want to speak my mind right then instead of holding it in until I explode. I’m happy. I truly am, but I let my fears and my anxieties bring me down. No more. Life is way too short.
I’m going to start spending less time on the computer trying to make stats and all that to spend with my family. My girls aren’t getting any younger and I want to create memories that will stay with them a life time. I want to laugh at their jokes or corny faces. I want to play dress up with them and giggle at something on the TV. Sure I do that now, but I intend on doing more this year.
I plan on being a better wife. I tell my husband every day that I love him and I do show him, but I want him to feel deep in his heart that he’s my best friend and the love of my life.
This year I want to be a better me. I plan on exercising *shudder* to ensure that I live a longer life. I plan on being a better friend to those people who have entered my life and have impacted me beyond anything I have ever known.
This year I plan to travel even if it’s to no where in particular. I plan on watching shooting stars and making wishes upon them. I plan on finding myself this coming year. What are your plans for 2008?
Look Whose Talkin’