I love him. I believe in my heart I have always loved him. The spark though is barely burning anymore. What happened to us? What happened to the bond and the love we shared? Why have we became two separate in a house of one?
I was outside earlier trying to catch some peace and quiet. It’s rather hard when you have one on the phone and the other two arguing. Finally they came in for a bit and hubby came outside. I knew it was an opportunity for us to finally talk. So I laid it all out on the table. I told him of how just for one day I want us to get away without the girls, without the internet, phone and whatever distractions we have in our lives. I want us to reconnect. He tells me he would feel guilty for not taking the girls. I understand that, but I told him that if we didn’t get back on the same page, there would be no us before two much longer.
I love him and he knows it. Or I wouldn’t have put up with this shit for as long as I have. I don’t want a life without him, but I also don’t wanna be 2nd fiddle for the rest of my life either. I want to feel like I have some meaning to him. I don’t wanna just be the one who cooks the food, washes the laundry, tends to everyones illnesses. I want to be special for one moment. One moment where I don’t have to ask to be special. I want to be a wife, not a room mate, housekeeper, or cook.
I want to hold hands while walking together even if it’s out to the gardens. I want to sit outside and shoot the shit like we used to do. I want him to dance with me and sing to me while looking into my eyes. Just to get lost in the moment. I want him to cuddle with me on the couch and watch a movie together. I just want him to want me.
All my life, I have never felt unconditional love. For the first few years of our lives together, I felt that. That love that knows no bound. That love that burns with so much joy. But lately I feel as though I have shifted back into a time where I had to fight for an ounce of love. I don’t want us to end. But I don’t wanna live the rest of my life fighting to be wanted, loved, recognized and needed. I can’t shed any more tears over us. All it’s doing is extinguishing the barely lit flame we already have.
I hope he reads this and knows that without him, I’m lost. Undoubtedly he is the love of my life. I would walk through hell and back for him and our kids. I just hope he knows…….
A little better
OK so getting out of the house for about an hour helped some. I finally drug my not so happy ass to the store. The girls had some money and it took them forever to decide what they wanted. But it was ok, because I made it a point to talk to the owner of the store about a few things. I asked him to bring in some different energy drinks. Yes I’m that addicted to them. Then we stopped in at my MIL’s. When we passed by we seen hubby’s sister there with little man (our great nephew). By the time we made it back they were gone. 
The girls are sitting here stuffing their faces with a fried bologna sammich. I’m thinking about maybe going outside and listening to the radio. I may even take the video camera and make a video like I did last year. Watch it *here* .
I may take a shot or two of vodka and make it really interesting. LOL Who knows what I will do.
I haven’t let the comfort of my house since yesterday at 11 Am. I just haven’t wanted to see anyone or be within a group of people. I desperately need to make a store run, but I’m not sure if I wanna go or not. I haven’t spoken to the family hardly any today. I just don’t have anything to say. They are all in the living room playing the playstation and I’m here in the kitchen by myself.
I just don’t know when I will crawl out of my funk. It could be tonight, tomorrow, days or weeks. Last time I got this bad I stayed in the bed for a week and cried every single day. Of course that was under different circumstances.
It’s very easy to mislead everyone and pretend everything is fine. But it’s not. I feel the strain of everyday life pulling me down. And of course, my husband isn’t much comfort these days. But it’s not them. I know they care and I appreciate them for it, but I think though they have learned that sometimes I just wanna be left alone. This would be one of those days.
I was tagged by JillyBean to participate in this Meme. Now if you know me, you know I love love love Meme’s. You can learn a lot about a person this way. So here we go……
Three Things
3 Places I Go All the Time
1. The store. Gotta have my energy drinks to make it through the day
2. My in laws house. With gas being so high, I’m happy they are only 1/2 mile down the road.
3. All around the world thanks to the internet 
3 People Who Email me-Gina, Lynn, My Mom
3 Favorite Places I Like to Eat
1. Anything Mexican. I love little little place in town. Wished I was there right now
2. Dairy Queen. I love to get a Large Hot Fudge Malt, with extra hot fudge.
3. Red Lobster. I have only been there a few times, but I love their Shrimp Scampi.
3 Places I would rather be right now
1. At the lake with the girls.
2. Seeing the countryside with my friend Holly
3. Anywhere but here.
3 Projects I would like to get started
1. Do a more thorough clean out.
2. Sew some curtains for the girls room.
3. Nothing really.
3 People who might do this
1. Jamie
2. Roxy
3. Kim
3 TV Shows I could watch over and over
1. ER. Please don’t leave me next year.
2. Any of the CSI’s. My fave though is Vegas.
3. Ghost Hunters. I’m addicted to paranormal shows.
Hope you play along. Let me a comment if you do so I can check it out.
1:17 Am.
I’m still wide awake tonight. The TV is muted on the E! channel. Watching a rerun of Living Lohan or what ever it’s called. Today has been a really bad day for me. I don’t handle stress very well and right now, I feel as though I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. I really do not know how we are going to survive this summer. The only saving grace I see is my husbands disability going through. Yet I’m still not counting my chickens before they hatch.
Right now I honestly feel like crying my eyes out. I would do it, but I don’t wanna suffer from swollen eyes and a throbbing headache in the morning. I don’t know what I’m going to do. Shorty’s 7th birthday is coming up and for the last 6 months all she has talked about is wanting to go camping for her birthday. It’s breaking my heart because I know I most likely will have to break a promise to her. I hate having to do that.
With the girls home full time now, I’m having a hard time. Instead of them only eating here once or twice with a snack, it’s an all day event around here. Having 2 kids with ADHD, they eat so much because they burn it all up. I have talked to my hubby about looking into some sales job searches, but how can I leave them here knowing he can’t take care of them because of his eyesight? He’s stepped on poor old Bandit twice today. He doesn’t drive so if something were to happen how would they get help? This crap goes through my mind so much.
I feel myself slipping back into my isolated state. I just want time to stop and stand still if just for a moment. Because for that moment I do not have to worry about how I can support my family. I do not have to worry about breaking my daughters heart. In that brief moment I can pretend to be on a vacation with my family and having the times of our lives. But when reality snaps back in, so does the constant worrying of the what ifs. The unknown and the uncertainty of what the day has in store for me.
You know how when you take your wedding vows you say for better or for worse? I honestly do not know how much worse it can get around here. And here comes the tears.
Kick it already
I’m still tired. Even after downing an energy drink. I still feel as though I could go to bed. But alas, I can’t the kids refuse to be quiet. They want me to hurry up and start supper. We pulled two huge cabbage heads today and they are requesting cabbage, carrots and rice. Yummy. I just don’t wanna cook it. LOL
Since we are financially screwed this week, my mother in law went and bought us a few groceries for around here. Mostly sammich stuff. Therein lies a problem for me.. I don’t eat bread. So I will have to figure something out. I’m hoping my distant rich uncle kicks the bucket and leaves me a fortune. That dream sounds so good, but unfortunately I do not own a rich uncle. Not even a semi rich uncle. Damn.
I think my kids are on crack sometimes.
Jelly Bean came in from outside and said she was making farting sounds in the garden mud. She’s cackling, I’m just looking at her like OMG someone help me. Then the proceeds to tell me I have a cucumber and shows me it’s about 5 inches long. I asked her if it’s ready to be picked, she says without skipping a beat.. no it’s skinny, kinda looks like a cat turd. This is gonna be a long summer.
Today my brother in law delivered my new to me couch and love seat today. Oh it’s sooooo comfy. Compared to the couch that had very few spring left in it and the nice 1×4 laid across the middle of it. That couch would swallow a small child and eat it alive. Hence, I never sat on it in fear I would disappear. Anyways, the girls and I ditched all the other shit outside by ourselves. I know I’m not supposed to be lifting anything, but I wanted it done now and not later.
So after we decorated the front yard true redneck style, we got everything semi situated in here and I kicked back in one of the new reclining ends on the couch. I felt a pain that radiated from around my right ovary towards my back. I chalked it up to He-manning all the furniture out the front door. I couldn’t be so lucky. That damn Aunt Flo came by and brought some intense cramps with her. She’s such a bitch. LOL
So Wild Child comes in and says her belly is hurting. I question her for the one millionth time if it’s in the ovary section. She says she didn’t know. So I lift up my shirt and show her the region. She started laughing. And then says OMG it looks like Jelly. So I responded like anyone abnormal would. I pretended to cry and acted all sullen about it. I wanted to teach her not to say rude things because it would hurt someone’s feelings. I should win an Oscar for the performance. I brought on the real tears for this one.
She apologized to me for what she said. Then I proceeded to tell her the story of a boy named Johnny that was my neighbor growing up. He had Downs Syndrome and all of the mean ass neighborhood kids made all sorts of fun of him. I would go next door and ask if he could come out and play with me. I would take his hand and we would go off and have fun. I told her about how Johnny would put on a brave face when all the kids made fun of him, but would cry when he went home. I told her that no one deserves to be made fun of for any reason. She apologized again and promised she would never do it again.
What she said didn’t bother me. But I wanted to teach her a lesson that words do hurt people. I hope that she got the lesson and will treat people with more respect than she has. After all, no one is perfect and our imperfections is what makes us unique and our own. I hope that she carries this lesson with her for a life time.
Look Whose Talkin’