Have you ever thrown a rock at a piece of glass just to watch it shatter? It shatters into a million pieces that can’t be put back together. There’s not enough glue nor duct tape to put the pieces back together. That is me.
I feel like I’m shattered and I don’t know why. Someone or something threw a rock at me and I can’t put the pieces back together. I wished I was like Humpty Dumpty. At least they put his broke ass back together.
The simplest things send me into a place I don’t want to be. Simple road trips send me panicking. Simple trips to the store watching the happy go lucky passerby’s send me crying and wanting to come home.
For the past 45 minutes, I have been crying. I don’t want this life, yet I can’t get past it. It seems more and more every day my fears are increasing. I don’t want to be a prisoner of my own self, yet I am. I can not get passed these intrepid fears that haunt me. I want to be normal again. Not shattered.
I see people that remind me of people from my past. A dark past. But I know these are not those people, yet I still run from them. I run from them like an idiot. I have nightmares of being hurt and tortured. Yet I’m safe in the comforts of my home. I have nightmares of people that I love and cherish dying because of me.
If I could make it all go away, I would. If I could put myself back together like Humpty Dumpty I would. But I can’t. I have tried.
I am shattered into a million of unfixable pieces.
One Response to “I’m Shattered”
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I read your blog often through my email feed. I read this on my Blackberry during breakfast and it sat with me all day.
My heart breaks for you and I really wish there was some magic potion I had that would make it all better in your life. Please know that you are not alone, that people are here. People are listening to you. People want good things for you. You matter. I just wanted to let you know.